Refuse to Go

I've been a little depressed lately as the wedding approaches. I realized when I think about wedding planning, I get depressed. How can this be? Who doesn't know I love wedding planning?! I have been avoiding wedding planning not that I don't want to marry LP, but because the more wedding planning I do, it means the closer it comes to the day I have to move away from Montreal. It was definitely easy to always say to myself and tell people that I have no worries and trust that God will watch over me. But I realized that deep down inside, I refuse to obey. I do not want to leave my comfort zone. Montreal and MCAC is my comfort zone. This is my home.

I have been a cry baby lately... every time I think about moving away, I cry. I cry during Sunday Service, I cry during choir practice, I cry when I pray, I cry in prayer meetings (you don't see me cry? I've been doing a good job hiding it, huh?). It definitely doesn't help when Pastor Chan counts down every single day for me and always keep track of "my lasts" at MCAC. "This is the last time you..." I just feel that no one understands how difficult it is for me to take this step. Every time I hint that I don't want to move away, all people say is "everything will be alright. You will start a new life and find new friends." But I don't want a new life, I don't want new friends. I feel that people think I am very independent and I can handle many things myself because I hardly show the other side of me, the very dependent side, the side that wants to be pampered for once. Or maybe... it is the complete opposite. I am WAY too pampered at MCAC.

I wish I can end this post by saying "I know that God will watch over me and all I have to do is to trust and obey." But I can't just yet...

Now I am off to get my gowns altered.

No, I didn't loose or gain weight (unfortunately). They just never fit. They looked like a perfect fit in our wedding portraits, huh? Pastor Chan didn't notice either when he took our photos. I think lately I have been good at hiding things and making things seem perfectly fine even though it just doesn't feel that way deep down inside.